The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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