I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
