Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
