Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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