Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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