i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize