Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
