apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
