drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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