This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
