it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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