I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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