my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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