Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
