You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
