i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
