I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
