When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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