If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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