I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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