So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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