No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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