I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
