Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
pray to the hookup gods
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
