She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
