if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
