Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
