The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
