The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
