I faked an abortion last night.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
