Apparently you make a good broom.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
