oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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