I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
