Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
