I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize