Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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