i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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