I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if only i could text you this smell
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize