Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
