It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
