sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
