I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
