I've blown a few things in my day
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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