My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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