I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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