Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
what day is it and did you see me today?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
