it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
