Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
