I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
