I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
