If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize