i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
