there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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