why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
