PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
