Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
