My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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