I heard we made out
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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