It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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