Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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