I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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