I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
