I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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