I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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